Julien Neaves, Editor
Plot: When a priest visits China he encounters a strange stone artifact that periodically transforms him into a bloodthirsty dinosaur. He joins forces with a kindly prostitute to kill criminals and battle a ninja clan.
Review: With a plot like that do I really need to say more? When I saw the poster for this 2017 horror comedy I just had to see it. Mind you, the epic poster makes it look a whole lot cooler and more edgy than it actually is. The Velocipastor is actually one of those zero budget, intentionally bad films which tries to hit the sweet spot of “so-bad-it’s-good”. And for the most part it hits that spot.
Everything here is absurd. The plot makes no sense whatsoever and has a habit of meandering. The acting is wooden but not the worst I have seen, with leads Gregory James Cohan as the priest Doug Jones and Alyssa Kempinski as the prostitute Carol making for a moderately entertaining couple. Daniel Steere as the phlegmatic Father Stewart was my favourite though with his dry, understated humour. And yes, Doug is a priest and not a pastor as the title suggests. I guess they couldn’t resist the off rhyme with velociraptor. And the dinosaur? It is one of the worst costumes I have ever seen and looks more like a deformed T-Rex than a raptor. Oh, and there is a good serving of gloriously bloody violence and gore that made me burst out laughing repeatedly.
The Velocipastor is a dumb movie that doubles down on its stupidity and spends its entire runtime winking at the audience. And I must confess that I did enjoy it, though it is far from the best-worst film I have ever seen. So if you like your horror comedies purposefully bad then I think you would get a kick out of it.
Editor Jules’s Score: 5 out of 10
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Julien “Editor Jules” Neaves is a TARDIS-flying, Force-using Trekkie whose bedroom stories were by Freddy Krueger, learned to be a superhero from Marvel, but dreams of being Batman. I love promoting Caribbean film (Cariwood), creating board games and I am an aspiring author. I say things like “12 flavours of awesome sauce”. Read more.