Sommerleigh Pollonais – Senior Writer
Reboots and remakes – two words that instantly piss off, aggravate and cause fans of the original movies everywhere to roll their eyes so far back, they can see their own brains. To be fair, they ain’t all bad, with some even being good enough to make the Oscars themselves sit up and say (insert best Joey Tribbiani impersonation here) “how you doin’?”
But alas fine friends good remakes are the exception not the rule, and for horror fans the bad ones are so bad they make you wish you could reach through your screens and strangle the air out of whomever decided THIS was a good idea. So brace yourselves my lovelies, as we take a look at the TOP 5 HORROR REMAKES/REBOOTS WE WISH THEY NEVER MADE:
#5 Black Christmas (Both Times They Did It)
*Sigh* I’m still trying to figure out who thought it was a good idea to do this twice. In 2006 they decided to remake/reboot/regurgitate this classic (which by the way has the prestige of being the first slasher movie ever made, all the way back in 1974). It was a soulless cash grab and yet SOMEHOW it was better than the dumpster fire that was the 2019 version of this story.
While the original broke new ground by giving us an intriguing set-up (the killer is in the house all along), entertaining characters (Olivia Hussey and Margot Kidder being the standouts for me), and a final shot that lingers with you long after the screen has gone black, these imitators think somehow a lot of loud noise and some gore will distract from the lack of atmosphere and the unlikable cast of characters.
Bitch Please.
#4 A Nightmare on Elm Street (2010)
Swing and a miss!
Now to be fair, this remake gets points for trying. I dig the visual style, the cast isn’t awful (although, we’re gonna swing back around on this topic) and Jackie Earle Haley was a great choice to wear the always fetching fedora/sweater combo. Also, a lot of people forget that the first NOES movie (1984) was actually scary and this film’s tone is definitely going for that.
The problem with this remake was two-fold for me. Firstly, it doesn’t do anything new with the characters (the biggest no-no for any remake) and therefore we the fans know what’s coming, so it’s just not thrilling or frightening. Secondly, Nancy (this time around played by Rooney Mara) is as about as interesting as watching paint dry. Heather Langenkamp gave us one of the most likeable, memorable and bad-ass final girls ever brought to screen. Her version of Nancy even has this weird kind of chemistry, with Freddy (I know, gross, but true!). Mara’s version is this mopey, one-note, makes-Bella-from-Twilight-look-interesting performances, that’s just not fun to watch.
Made me wish I could fall asleep and have Krueger put me out of my misery.
#3 Poltergeist (2015)
The scariest thing about this remake is after you’ve seen it, you’ll walk out of the theatres with no memory of what happened for the past hour and a half.
It’s forgettable as hell is what I’m saying folks, with this basically being a shot-for-shot rehash of the original. A movie, by the way, that managed to be funny, scary, thrilling and touching all at once. I mean the remake had one of THE MOST TALENTED ACTORS working today, Sam Rockwell, in it AND STILL didn’t do anything halfway memorable.
Just goes to show even the best chef in the world can’t cook a fine meal with bland ingredients.
Side Note: I LOVE YOU SAM!
#2 The Fog (2005)
Deep breath in…deep breath out. Alright, here we go. I EFFIN’ HATE THIS MOVIE, WITH THE PASSION OF A THOUSAND BLAZING SUNS!!!!
Now that I’ve gotten that out of my system, let me paint you guys a picture of a young horror fan super excited to see stars like Tom “Smallville” Welling and Maggie “Lost” Grace bring an updated version of one of her all-time favourite horror movies to my local cinema. Halfway through this movie, my friends had to calm me down as I vaguely remember trying to rip my seat out of the ground and throw it at the screen. It was a dark time for me people.
John Carpenter’s The Fog (1980) is an underrated classic of a film which, like the weather phenomenon from which it gets its title, surrounds you slowly with a sense of dread. It also stars horror icons Adrienne Barbeau and Jamie Lee Curtis and has held up just as well as Carpenter’s other classics The Thing and Halloween. While the remake nearly got me banned from my local theater. ‘Nuff said.
I seriously hate this movie guys. Okay, now I’m done.
#1 Psycho (1998)
BWAHAHA! HA! HA! HA! Or as we Trinis would say after a good laugh, “OH GAD OYE!”
Gus Van Sant what the f&*k were you thinking dude?!!
A remake is never an easy endeavour. Not only do you have to please the fans of the original (and usually deeply loved) version of the movie, but you have to engage new audiences that may have never seen the film your movie is based on.
So maybe you get away with certain things because the original is not well known, but C’MON! Who in their right mind thought a shot-for-shot remake of Alfred Hitchcock’s most beloved and most well-known film would be a good idea?!!
This is Godzilla vs Spongebob folks – it was never gonna be better than the original, (my Mom likes to say “never” belongs to Jesus, but I think I’m safe borrowing it in this case) and even if you did your own version of this movie, what made them think casting Vince Vaughn as Norman Bates would ever work?
One of the main reasons Anthony Perkins nails it as Norman is there’s a sense of innocence and boyishness to him. He looks like someone who would never hurt a fly *wink wink*. Vince Vaughn looks like the guy you warn your kids to cross the street when they spot him. Honestly, if I was told Vaughn actually WAS a serial killer in real life, my reaction would be, “yup, sounds about right”. This, people, is what we call an Epic Fail.
So while I personally have nothing against remakes (there are actually some really good ones out there), my reaction to hearing about them is and probably will always be, “here we go again”. What are some of the worst remakes that you’ve seen? We all know horror isn’t the only genre that suffers from reboot-itis.
And I’ll see you guys in a couple weeks with my TOP 5 BEST HORROR REMAKES, because I’m a glass half full kinda gal!
For my Top 5 Most Annoying Horror Movie Tropes you can click here.
Sommerleigh of the House Pollonais. First of Her Name. Sushi Lover, Queen of Horror Movies, Comic Books and Binge Watching Netflix. Mother of two beautiful black cats named Vader and Kylo. I think eating Popcorn at the movies should be mandatory, PS4 makes the best games ever and I’ll be talking about movies until the zombie apoclaypse comes. Double Tap Baby!
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